"For the last time, Gilbert, we do not want to park our ship beside those forty-foot high rocks over there. I don't think the two would get along. Probably fight the whole time we are there. I definitely feel that we should park her over by those wooden docks. I believe that is where normal captains park their ships. I could be wrong though," Captain Jester pointed out scratching his chin in wonder. His fingers quickly grew sore from scratching his sharp whiskers. Although shaving would easily cure this problem, Jester felt that letting his beard grows out would show just how manly he was. In reality, he was far too lazy to pick up a razor. Besides, the razor had come up missing for the past week.
"Aye, aye, Cap'n," Gilbert said with a sloppy salute. "Very good idea. I must say that we made extraordinary time what with all those tourists wanting to see the Flying Goat back there. All those sailboats all over the place! I nearly hit every one of them. Of course, half the time I was aiming for them, but that is beside the point. Some government should control that area better."
First mate Gilbert jobbled over to the giant wooden wheel as his Jell-O-like belly jiggled with a sloshing sound.
Jester leaned against the railing of the Flying Booger and let the fresh, salty sea airbrush by his face. It definitely was a breathtakingly beautiful day. The humidity was a nice 100 percent, and the temperature topping off at an ideal 105 degrees Fahrenheit. Truly a day to remember.
A thought occurred to Captain Jester, and he turned towards Gilbert. He raised an eyebrow curiously, "Gilbert, what reason exactly were we sailing here for?"
Throwing his voice over his shoulder without turning to the captain he said, "I believe, sir, we were to deliver the Sacred Walrus to the Queen of Spain, Isabella."
"Oh. Right. I remember now," Jester said casually as he turned around to see a seven hundred-pound walrus tanning on the deck, sunglasses covering his delicate eyes. It grunted softly as it realized it was being watched then began fanning itself with its tail.
"I can't believe that the Queen called upon me to deliver her overweight pet for her from the States. I tried to tell her that it was a walrus, and it could swim itself across the ocean. Besides, it would probably do the beast good to get some exercise in. Just look at the sheer size of the animal! I'm amazed that my boat would stay buoyant."
The ship slowly drifted up beside the docks, and the lines were secured. The longshoreman greeted them warmly as they stepped off the ramp and onto the dock.
"Who the Hell are you two misfits?" he grunted.
Looking a bit surprised, Jester said, "Uh....well we are the...um...well we have a walrus."
"Uh huh," the longshoreman mumbled. "So you're the fella's with the Tusk. Awright. Follow me."
The three began a long walk up a dirt road with the giant walrus flopping behind as quickly as it was capable of flopping.... which wasn't that fast at all.
When a letter informed Jester of this mission, he was left in the dark about everything except to bring the Sacred Walrus over to Queen Isabella in Spain. He had only assumed that once he arrived at the port he would merely have to leave the animal and take off.
So when they came upon a tollbooth in the middle of the road with what looked like to be the Grim Reaper sitting inside, Jester was quite speechless.
"Ah right, fella's," the longshoreman muttered when they were a hundred feet away from the booth. "That's the man you need to talk to," he said pointing to the cloaked bone man. "He'll tell you what you have to do to get your pay."
And with that, the longshoreman turned about and walked back the way they had come. Soon Jester and Gilbert were standing alone - a few mere feet away from Death.
"Well come, come," the Grim Reaper said tapping his finger on the booth counter. "My shift here on Earth lasts only a few more million years, so let's get a move on it before I begin to look old."
Captain Jester's knees began to shake. He had never seen Death this close before. In fact, Jester couldn't recall the last time he had seen Death. On the brighter side, he thought, Death looked pretty good for his age.
With look of awe, Gilbert dragged Jester towards the Grim Reaper. Gilbert waved and said, "Oh yes, it is good to meet you, sir. I have heard a lot about you. You do fantastic work, killing people and all. I've even seen some of your finest masterpieces like the Chicago fire of 1871 or Atlantis. Fantastic!"
As they reached the booth, Death shook his skull; "I can't take credit on Atlantis. That was God's work, not mine. The Chicago Fire was not only my work, but also my idea. I got a Catastrophe Award that year, you know. One of my best years since the Egyptian Era.
"Now listen closely. This is your order. There are a couple of Irish wolfhounds behind the booth. Ride those on up this dirt road until you come up across a large blue frog sitting on an oversized mushroom. Take a left, and Queen Isabella's temple will be in plain sight. Tell the guards you have the Sacred Walrus, and they'll let you in. Simple as that."
"I have to actually tell the guards I have a walrus?" Captain Jester asked throwing a thumb over at the fat walrus now chewing on some gum. The walrus casually ducked his head as the thumb flew easily over his head. "Don't you think that it will be just a bit obvious that I have a seven hundred pound tusked animal flopping after me?"
If Death had eyebrows, he would have raised one then. "You would be surprised. Many people have tried to trick the queen into believing that they had found the Sacred Walrus to capture the reward. For those disgusting people, I arranged it with God to have a few large hippopotamuses drop on them at random times as they left the temple. It was most hilarious."
Captain Jester scratched his whiskers once again, this time not as hard so as not to hurt his fingers this time. "Reward, eh? I knew I would be paid upon arrival, but I didn't hear anything about a reward. How much are we talking here?"
Death flipped a bony hand nonchalantly at the captain. "Oh some preposterous figure. I think it is somewhere around 40 billion American dollars."
Just then a couple on a covered wagon led by a team of oxen reached the tollbooth. They were in the eighties without a single tooth in their mouths.
Reaching out a hand, the Grim Reaper said, "Fifty cents please."
As if the couple was close acquaintances of Death, the man passed over two shiny silver coins and continued on.
The captain's mouth was still on the road from the number Death had just told him. He thought to himself as he stared at Death, "Forty billion dollars? I could buy a lot of those tiny umbrellas that go into mixed drinks!"
Saying their good-byes to the Grim Reaper, they mounted their massive dogs and quickly took off down the road. Only when they arrived at the giant blue frog did Jester wonder why he wasn't charged for toll like the couple.
In the States, large blue frogs were quite uncommon. In fact, neither Jester nor Gilbert could recall ever seeing an oversized frog anywhere before.
"I have to admit. Europe is a completely different country," Jester pointed out smartly.
"Uh, Cap'n?" Gilbert quietly asked.
"Hmmm?" Jester asked staring at the blue frog.
"I believe, sir, that Europe is a continent."
"Hmmm?" he said, continuing to appear to be in a trance.
"I said, sir, that I believe Europe is a continent, not a country as you pointed out smartly.
"Oh yes. Quite right, but I think I said that already, Gilbert. At least I'm sure that I said that in the first place."
The blue frog was sitting upon a rather large toadstool that was made of solid marble. The frog appeared to be getting ready for bed. He wore a nightcap and striped pajamas. At the precise moment the two arrived at this precise spot, the frog was gurgling with mouthwash.
Spitting out the wash, the frog looked at the two travelers. It grunted, "Do you mind? You foreigners are all alike. It's as if you've never seen a large blue frog gurgling before. Get used to it. I'm sick and tired of tourists like you two gawking at me. In fact, I'm tired of being a tourist attraction. You may sit on this very uncomfortable toadstool if you like, but I'm leaving now. Good day to you both."
With that, the frog leaped with amazing force off the toadstool back the way they came as was gone in an instant. Later that decade, Gilbert read in the newspaper that the frog went on to lead coupe against the czar of Russia.
At last they arrived at the temple of Queen Isabella. It was one of the most magnificent structures ever built by the hands of man. Towering over three hundred feet high, it spanned almost an eighth of a mile in diameter. It was in a pyramid shape with square towers on all four corners. Each tower had a giant burning torch. On the front side were several large marble steps that ran (but not too quickly) up to greet large double iron doors. These doors were open for the most part in welcome to tourists, worshippers, guests, and orangutans. On this particular occasion, however, these massive doors were sealed shut tightly.
Gilbert, followed by Jester, reached the foot of the steps of the temple. Jokingly, Gilbert took out a feather from his backpack and tickled the foot of the steps. Somewhere within the steps, giggling was heard briefly.
Beside them were two Spanish guards, garbed in bronze armor and armed with spears and swords. Both had finely trimmed and pointed mustaches with a similar goatee.
The guard on their left spoke first as they approached. "Uh and yes. Name please?"
"Um, Captain Jester," he answered wondering why so many people when asked their names respond first with "Um" or "Uh" before continuing to give out their name.
The guard on the right shuffled through a small stack of papers that neither Jester nor Gilbert had seen him carrying just a second ago. "Ah, yes. Captain Jester. Here we are. One Sacred Walrus to be delivered to Queen Isabella herself. All right, Captain. Straight up those stairs, then hang a right, then another right, then two or three lefts, then probably another right, then you should come up to either a left or a right. Take one of them. Whichever you feel like doing. Either is fine with me. Queen Isabella is expecting you soon, so try not to take too long, mmmmmk?"
It sounded good to Jester and Gilbert, so they took off up the stairs. The inside section of the temple looked similar to an Egyptian pyramid. Torches wedged into sconces in the shape of small hands lit the way. Fine paintings, beautiful rugs, and a lovely shade of mauve decorated the entire area.
With all the similar repeating decorations, it was difficult to keep track of their progress. Fortunately, someone had thoughtfully placed direction signs at each intersection. The first intersection they came across read, "Left - Hamster Pit, Right - Queen Isabella, Ahead - Slow and Painful Death."
Smartly picking the right tunnel, they continued strolling quite merrily with the giant walrus bouncing like a giant rubber ball after them. With each bounce, it grunted like a dog. Evidently this was a walrus' version of a purr.
At the next intersection, Jester stopped. He said, "Is it just me, or does this sign appear to have a face on it looking at us?"
Indeed, the three peered up at the sign, which was swinging from the ceiling happily. It had gray eyes on the top corners of the sign, and a broad face that stretched across the bottom. In between were the directions: Left - Hippopotamus Bathing, Right - Queen Isabella, Ahead - Absolute, Positively Certain Death.
The sign suddenly gave out a subtle sigh as it peered down at the three travelers.
"I say, I wonder if it talks back? I would love to take a sign along with me. It could always tell me where I want to go," Gilbert said with curiosity.
"Yep. I can talk. Don't ask me how. I'm just a sign. Where are you headed? I can help you, I think. Hopefully. However, keep the directions simple. I only know where three things are," the sign explained back.
Gilbert scratched the top of his head as he pondered. "Is one of the three directions you know the way to a nice sirloin dinner?"
"Nope," said the sign.
"A goose feather mattress?"
"Nope."
"How about a bag of jelly beans?"
"Uh uh."
"Hmmm. How about..."
"Let me save you the breath. Nope."
"Hmmm. Ok. Well that pretty much answers my question. Whenever you're ready, Cap'n."
Looking down the right, Jester saw the tunnel seemed to continue forever.
"Come on, Gilbert. Quit annoying the sign. I want to hurry up, get my reward, and get out of here. That is all that is important to me right now," came from the mouth of Captain Jester.
Nodding solemnly and somewhat sadden, the three continued down the tunnel. Gilbert could almost swear that he saw the sign waving to them as they left.
Winding through the tunnels, sometimes left, sometimes right, sometimes up, sometimes diagonally, they finally figured out a way to Queen Isabella of Spain and her throne room.
Captain Jester had sailed most of his life. He had seen and traded with all of Africa, South America, and he practically owned Japan. Of all the amazing architectures and natural structures the eyes of the captain had fallen upon, nothing could quite compare or even keep up with the sight they fell upon when he entered the throne room.
It was massive - a hundred and twenty-five feet long and wide. It had a barrel shaped dome at least two hundred feet high. Elaborate, ancient paintings coated the ceiling like the Sistine Chapel in Italy. In some areas, though, it appeared to have been completed by either Michelangelo or a 3rd grader. Enormous, smooth marble columns stretched upward challenging the ceiling. Reaching across the entire length of the floor, there was a lush, red velvet carpet. Large, six-foot candlesticks led the way to a dais where the Queen of Spain sat upon a throne. The throne was a solid ruby, carved out in the shape of a bear.
Queen Isabella was a dark skinned, slender woman. Sitting with a sense of awe, she wore a tight, golden dress trimmed in black with thousands of dollars worth of diamonds and precious jewels hanging from her neck. A ribbon tied up her long, black hair with pure gold strands interwoven into the material. Her make-up was stunning; her skin was smooth and silky. She appeared perfect. Just how a queen should look.
Jester, Gilbert, and the walrus stood in the doorway staring in wonder. However, they weren't staring at the ceiling or the columns or the carpet. They hadn't focused their attention to the throne or even Queen Isabella. No, they were, in fact, staring at the giant table that was resting up against the right wall. On it, thousands of doughnuts had been stacked in pyramids. All kinds of delicious treats awaited the travelers' consumption.
They managed to get five or six doughnuts into their stomachs before Isabella spoke, projecting a mighty voice.
"What do you think you are doing? Those doughnuts are for the King of Scotland when he arrives. Who are you? Explain yourselves!"
Jester glanced up with half of a doughnut sticking out of his mouth and glaze all over his face. Swallowing quickly, nearly choking on the tasty sprinkles, he spoke like the true captain he was.
"Well Queen, I'm sure the King of Scotland won't be able to eat all of this. I've heard he was dieting lately. This will do him good. Oh and I'm Captain Jester, here to deliver this flopping blob of walrus blubber to you. Something to do with you wanting a Holy Aardvark or something."
Gilbert quickly nudged the captain and whispered, "That's Sacred Walrus, Cap'n. Not Holy Aardvark. That was our last mission."
"Er," Captain said, trying to save himself, "Ah, that would be the Sacred Walrus. My mistake. Either way, here it is. Personally I would like my 40 billion American dollars I've heard so much about and take my leave. The quicker I get back to my ship the better."
The trimmed, narrow eyebrows lowered closer to her eyes as she stared intently upon the travelers.
"You are Captain Jester?" she asked. She was answered with an enthusiastic nod. She muttered, "I could have sworn I asked for a smarter looking man," then she spoke out loud, "Well please stop eating my doughnuts nonetheless. They are not for you. Please come forward."
Taking one more quick bite, they walked briskly over to the foot of the dais.
The queen gestured with a finger for the walrus to jump up the steps to her throne where she could get a better view of the animal. She scratched the tiny ears of the walrus, and the beast responded by slapping his flat tail onto the platform repeatedly.
"Hmmm. Well it appears to act like the Sacred Walrus. However, there is only one thing that it can do that no other walrus can achieve," Isabella stated.
She clapped her hands, and within seconds, a team of servants entered pushing a black grand piano into the center of the room.
"It is written in the Spanish Archive that only the true Sacred Walrus can play the entire version of the "Blue Danube" on a piano. If this animal can play flawlessly then I will know that you have done your job well," she informed as she walked with the walrus down to the piano. "Oh and one more thing, although this is a minor matter. The penalty for Sacred Walrus Fraud is a slow and painful death of watching every Kevin Bacon movie ever made - except Apollo 13. I liked that one."
The giant walrus, wearing his Ray Charles sunglasses again, flopped upside the piano, and he began to play. However, he didn't play the "Blue Danube". He played "Shake Your Tail feathers" by Ray Charles himself. Even though it wasn't even close to the "Blue Danube", it really was a smoking good song. Jester even caught himself tapping his feet even though he knew he was going to die in three minutes and twenty seconds.
When the walrus finished, it bobbed its head in thanks to the round of applause it received from Jester, Gilbert, and the servants. Queen Isabella, on the other hand, was quite upset.
She turned and glared at Captain Jester. "Do you take me for a fool? That walrus missed the entire music category it was supposed to play in! The Sacred Walrus is not from Georgia. It does not have the blues in his blood! This is some corrupted, demented animal, and you, Captain Jester, are a pathetic excuse for a man. Guards! Take these two criminals down to the theatre, strap them into chairs, and make sure you play Tremors first!"
Just then, the walrus reached up to Queen Isabella's ear and whispered something into it.
"What? You're kidding," she said, forgetting her duty to act royal at all times.
The walrus continued to whisper something else then sniffed her ear for no apparent reason.
"Hmmm. Well, well. Captain Jester, it seems that your pet walrus is indeed the Sacred Walrus. It just informed me that it had left Spain at the precise date my Sacred Walrus escaped to go to America. It swam the length of the ocean and..."
"Ah hah! I said at the beginning of this little job that it could swim the Atlantic on its own without any problems!" Captain Jester exclaimed. "I could have..."
"Excuse me! As I was saying, it swam across the ocean and decided to explore American style music. It reached Virginia, and decided to take a tour through Georgia and Alabama because it had read in a brochure about American blues and its popularity.
"Evidently it has been living there for the past several months studying the blues masters so it could expand its skills on the piano.
"I am convinced that this is, in fact, my Sacred Walrus. No other walrus would go to such great lengths to learn the blues. Guards, ignore my last order. These two gentlemen are to be rewarded their money..." Queen started to say but was interrupted.
The walrus suddenly went over to a corner and grabbed a suitcase that neither Jester nor Gilbert had seen when they had arrived. The animal then put on a Paul McCartney shirt then flopped out the door.
"Well where is it going now?" Queen Isabella asked staring at the disappearing beast.
"Beats me," said Jester. "I am not the walrus."
